Shyness: my definition | Page 2 | Social skydiving | Forum

I agree with logie100 and NKellyEmerald. I'm (sometimes) shy because I'm uncertain about how to act around others, and in fact, it's the desire for friendship and closeness that makes me feel so much pressure to be likeable. The running commentary going through my head is centered on how I'm acting (that was too dorky… that didn't even make sense… what should I do with my hands…), not on others. People can be their own harshest critic. To interpret that as a lack of faith in others is a stretch.

I think people can learn to be more comfortable in social situations, like Benny did in Brazil (btw, am I the only one who's been seriously wanting to go there for this reason?), but it's not because they learn empathy, but simply because they learn to get used to and feel comfortable with that type of interaction.

garyb said:

I also personally hate people who judge others based on shyness, like outgoing people are more trustworthy.

I disagree with the hate; I think people will always judge and categorise to an extent, it's one of our brain's ways of making sense of the enormous amount of information it receives, so we have to accept it and work with it. And sadly, being shy does often make people come across as weird or uninteresting, and people are more likely to trust an outgoing person with whom they feel they can connect than a shy person who they struggle to talk to. Another point that I hadn't given much thought to before, but a friend mentioned in a recent conversation, is that if you're shy and don't talk much, people often interpret that as a lack of interest. A lot of people seem to dislike me or at least seem completely uninterested in me, and I think part of that could just be because they don't feel that I'm taking an interest or a liking towards them, not because they think I'm weird or unlikeable. That idea that a lot of the problem is what I do (or don't do) rather than who I am has helped my self-confidence.

Yes, it's around those lines. When you're introvert, you don't talk much and listen a lot. Then people tend to think you are not interested in them and find them boring OR you are too arrogant and find them inferior thus don't talk to them. It's our job to try and educate people but that's human nature, it's not changing anytime soon.

As you mentioned the only way to fix it is to get out our little bubble and talk as much as possible. As awkward as it seems people don't really process much what we say, and if they do and dislike you all you need to do is ignore them. There are other 6999999999 people in the world, that's how extroverts think. Thinking like this also helps you blend in as many times people will say serious things to your face as jokes, thus giving you proper feedback. When you're too shy people rarely talk to you never mind give you feedback.

NKellyEmerald said:

Actually, I disagree, actually people don't need to talk very much at all for people to find them interesting or at least very likeable. It's quite common for people to enjoy a conversation more when THEY'RE talking (about themselves and their interests, mostly)! Even if you're shy or quiet does not mean you look uninterested or bored, a lot of conversations involve one person genuinely interested and asking questions occasionally, whilst the other person does 90% of the talking! And if you're really shy, just nodding your head and giving a smile now and then will be enough to stop you from looking bored and/or weird! :)

You're right, I didn't express myself clearly. When I say to talk a lot I mean to interact a lot with people. Start conversations, do fluffy talk, talk about the weather, soccer, mma, soap operas, trips, babies, family, whatever. I mean break the ice with everyone. It pays back huge dividends later. One day you ask a guy how's his kid doing. 1 year later he still remembers that, thinks you're cool and hires you to a very nice job.