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Are you closed minded? How I finally learned how to get along with Parisians

| 79 comments | Category: positive mentality, travel

If you ask someone the question “Are you closed minded?” the answer will almost certainly be a no. I don’t think anyone in the world sees themselves as closed minded. They are always sceptical or simply convinced that the other guy is wrong.

The description closed minded is one we tend to reserve for someone else. I’m tempted to mention some people I think personify this description perfectly, but using a blog as a platform to be negative about things one doesn’t like has already been done to death.

Of course, I like to put a positive spin on things, so I’m going to give you an example by exposing my own realisation that despite being exposed to so many people and cultures, I have been carrying a closed-mindedness about something important that I have finally been able to let go of: my bad blood with the Parisians.

9 months in Paris

Back in 2005, I was ready to take on French for the first time, so since I prefer cities it just seemed logical to move to Paris to do this.

I had only been on the road for a year and a half back then so I was still quite bright eyed and had dreams of meeting my own Amélie Poulain, running into amazing new people every day in la ville lumière, and speaking flawless French in a short matter of months.

To say that I was disappointed wouldn’t do what I felt justice – despite trying hard to get along, I found the Parisians arrogant, unfriendly, rude and plain old mean. I really dislike promoting stereotypes (the hundreds or thousands of times I’ve heard “You’re Irish and you don’t drink??” has never seemed to lessen how annoying it is), and I really tried to see their good side, but after 9 months, I had given up.

It’s the only place I’ve ever lived in, where my attempts to speak the language were met with disgusted grimaces and where I never received any form of encouragement from locals. I would dream of the day when a Parisian would call my French pas mal.

Despite all that, I stayed committed for the entire 9 months and did finally start speaking French. Things improved hugely when I moved down south to Toulouse (so I actually liked the French in general quite a lot), and some time later to Quebec, but in the earlier stages it was one of the hardest languages I’ve learned – not because of grammar, exceptions or any of that (which all languages have), but simply because the Parisians were extremely unhelpful and discouraging.

My newfound devotion to not speaking English had backfired (luckily that’s the only place it’s ever happened) because it basically meant that I had little options to socialise at all; there were plenty of English speakers around, but I was committed to speaking French no matter what. (Of course, there were actually plenty of options right under my nose; I should have just hung out with other learners, but I was still a long way off improving my learning and socialising methods back then). Since I hadn’t really figured out yet how to practise a language away from its home country, I was also quickly losing my Spanish and Italian.

After work, I tended to just retreat back home and watch TV or study, which wasn’t helping much. My long-term goal to be a polyglot was seeming more and more impossible and the experience was a lonely and frustrating time for me. Paris is not a time I look back on nostalgically.

5 years of stubbornness

And this is where the closed-mindedness comes in. I had 9 months of “proof” in terms of my memories, that Paris was hell on earth and Parisians were the devil’s minions. And I was not shy to tell anyone who would (or wouldn’t) care to hear it.

Of course, people would argue. Plenty of people love Paris and would tell me how nice Parisians were. This made no difference to my convictions.

I could argue away their case with any twists of logic I could find. If it was a pretty girl, then a sexist comment about how that’s why she was treated nice would come up. If it was someone on a language programme, then it was because the Parisians were paid to be nice to them and endure their French. And of course if someone was there as a tourist or for a few months mostly speaking English, then it’s because they simply weren’t immersed enough to see the real truth.

I would dismiss the counter-proofs as irrelevant and embrace anyone else with a similar opinion to be flawnted as my comrade against evil. It’s something I’ve seen time and again from narrow minded people, but I was blind how to how I was doing the very same myself.

This opinion may have continued with me if it wasn’t for this blog and a general quest to try to rid my life of unnecessary negativity.

Being public about these missions and suggesting unconventional language hacks has lead to disagreements and arguments with people. I was initially surprised about this, but I should have expected it; if you challenge anyone’s long held beliefs that they have never questioned before, you are going to hear all about it.

When someone has such a long-term investment of years in a belief (languages take decades to learn, only the rich can travel, luck governs all, or in my case Parisians are aresholes), then they will passionately defend that belief, no matter what the benefits to being a little open minded may be.

Starting with a clean slate and opening your mind

Since my French has gradually and continually improved despite not being in France/Quebec any more, especially through hosting Couchsurfers, I’ve had the pleasure to meet some really nice Parisians. I had continued to mark them as the exceptions, since as travellers they were “bound to be” more open minded.

But in Bangkok, I realised that I had been carrying this weight for too long. It was time to get over myself and have an open mind about my opinion even if I “knew” it was true. I resolved to spend 3 days in Paris with the mission to leave with a positive impression of Parisians.

I actually succeeded within hours.

All it took was to really try and to challenge my own opinions and expectations. In those first 9 months I was waiting for them to prove themselves to me, and I never really analysed why they were treating me like that. “They’re shitheads” is an easy dismissive response of course, but it’s simply not true. Let me tell you the experience that changed it for me:

I had just arrived from a 13 hour flight from Bangkok at 6am with no sleep. Usually I tend to sleep at Couchsurfers’ houses, but I wanted to my own space this time and to just chill out by myself for a few days before going home. So I had booked the absolute cheapest hotel I could find (€35/night for an unimpressive roof over your head; far from the luxury I was getting in Thailand), but I was pleased to see when reserving that it also came with in-room wifi.

So when I got there, I really just wanted to check my e-mails and then collapse. After checking in, I asked for the wifi password and the receptionist said that the wifi is down, has been for weeks and won’t be repaired until the end of the month. I needed to check work e-mails, I didn’t need this problem in my exhausted state; I said that it’s false advertising and he shrugged and said (in French) that frankly, it wasn’t his problem.

Then it happened – I realised at that very second how I was reacting over my entire 9 month period. I was constantly fighting with Parisians and judging them by my standards of how people should act. In Ireland or other countries, a hotel (even a cheap hotel) receptionist just wouldn’t say that. “The customer is always right”, and if something isn’t perfect then it’s the business’s problem to solve it.

Look at it from their perspective

But I wasn’t in Ireland or Brazil or Thailand anymore. Also, hanging out with French people way more outside of France (ironically) than in it, meant that I had gained that glimpse into the culture that I hadn’t in those 9 months.

Although I still have lots to learn about French culture, the way I see it (sorry for more stereotypes!), the worker is given more respect in France than in some other countries, which alternatively focus more on the customer. Workers in France have quite a lot of rights and laws favour them more. Whether this is good or bad is irrelevant because that’s the way it is. Judging the Parisians by my rules meant that they were going to bite back. I was doing this with workers and with potential friends.

We love blaming our problems on others. The fact that I had experienced an isolated 9 months wasn’t their fault, as I had maintained; it was mine for dismissing the “negative” aspects I didn’t like. I should have been learning from these differences, but I was too stubborn to acknowledge such a possibility.

So this time I took a different appraoch. Even though I was tired and actually did need to check e-mails, I simply changed the subject and tried to relate to the receptionist. I told him about when I worked as a youth hostel receptionist in Rome and how I hated it when I got blamed for things that were out of my control, so I understand there’s nothing he can do. I tried to get on his side and said that he probably gets a lot of arrogant and angry foreign guests at the hotel blaming him for things that aren’t his fault.

He suddenly became way more friendly and we chatted for a few minutes. Using a few other tricks that I’ve learned from more exposure to the French, you know what? I actually got a wifi password! Ridiculous, but there was a “staff only version” that he gave me for being nice. No amount of complaining or threatening to talk to the manager etc. would ever have gotten me that. That’s just not how things work there.

After a rest, I went out and had a pleasant conversation with pretty much everyone I met for the rest of my stay, both worker and random young person. Changing my filter from just seeing the negative to starting to see the positive, actually gave me a positive experience in the end. If only I had realised this sooner, I wouldn’t have been carrying around this unnecessary baggage for so long.

On my last morning, I was getting breakfast before going to the airport and chatting to the guy at the boulangerie. Just before I left he actually congratulated me on my level of French; I’m already confident about my level of French and in other parts of France and in Montréal I had been complimented before, but this was coming from a Parisian. That’s well beyond the pas mal that I had always dreamed of, and all it took was to see things from the other person’s perspective.

So, what are you closed minded about?

The whole point of sharing this story is to try to get people to step outside themselves and see if any negative feelings you have towards something or someone could be resolved by simply trying to see the other point of view? Seriously, think about it for a minute. What do you really hate, or passionately disagree with? We don’t have to abandon everything we know to be true, but some “truths” do us more harm than good. Even basic things can be challenged if you really ponder over them.

It seems so obvious, but even the most intelligent people can’t see past their own egos and admit when they’ve made a mistake. Is saving face really more important than making peace? I genuinely thought that I would never make peace with Parisians, but being open minded about being closed minded has almost instantaneously neutralised a major negative aspect of my life.

If you’ve had a similar experience with Parisians, or if you changed your mind about something after years of maintaining what you knew then share it with us in the comments :)

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  • http://thefranco-americanflophouse.blogspot.com/ Victoria Ferauge

    They are a pretty strange tribe. :-)

    I moved to France in 1989, got married and have pretty much been here ever since. Language was only one of the hurdles I had to overcome before I felt at home.

    I think you did an excellent of job of capturing one of the essential pre-requisites to learning a second language – a positive attitude and a lot of empathy. Parisians are wonderful people once you get to know them (full disclosure, I’ve been married to one for 20+ years).

    In the dark moments when I was struggling to learn enough French to get through a job interview I found Professor Kenji Hakuta’s work to be illuminating. He co-authored an excellent book with Ellen Bialystok titled In Other Words: the Science and Psychology of Second-language Acquisition. I highly recommend it.

  • http://twitter.com/julieparisienne Julie S

    I have been living in Paris for 2 1/2 years and it is hard hard hard. Yes there are nice people, once in a blue moon you can find someone who will speak french to you and I think once I even had a friendly waiter but I have to say unfortunately that everything you said in your before part still applies…RESCUE ME please!!!! :D

    • http://www.fluentin3months.com/ Benny the Irish polyglot

      What changed for me didn’t need to happen after 9 months, and if I had continued with that job (they offered me a permanent position as an engineer, but at a pathetic wage) I would have likely spent several years in Paris and may never have found out what was causing all the trouble.
      You have to give it a fresh start! The presumption that they’ll be rude comes across in how YOU act – I know from experience. Trying to start over is how I managed to find a solution!!

  • http://www.fluentin3months.com/ Benny the Irish polyglot

    I agree. I’m a fan of cities, but the 2nd or 3rd city, or especially the university city (Toulouse in France, Salamanca in Spain etc.) have such a better and more friendly young crowd.

  • http://www.fluentin3months.com/ Benny the Irish polyglot

    Natives never feel offended. The only people that have been are those online who jump to conclusions quickly about my motivations for doing this as putting flags in languages and moving on rather than a means to meet people. Everyone I’ve ever met in person thinks it’s great what I’m doing, since they can see that I’m genuine.

    I met a lot of deaf people in Austin and they also thought what I was doing was fantastic – many of them said they shared my blog with their hearing friends to encourage them to attempt something similar.

    Please be clear about your definition of “fluent”. Saying you can’t become fluent in any language in “less than a lifetime” is pretty much the silliest thing I’ve read for a while.

    I’m not interested in “conquering” – I’m just learning and using languages. Doing so quickly is efficient. Don’t get offended by that.

  • http://www.fluentin3months.com/ Benny the Irish polyglot

    Tu veux dire ma “performance néerlandais” ? ;)
    Après mon séjour à Paris, je suis allé à Toulouse où j’ai passé 3 mois. Mon impression de l’Hexagone a changé tellement alors !! T’inquiète, j’adore les Français ;) Pas trop les Parisiens :P mdr

  • Anonymous

    I know this is an old post but I’ve just discovered it and, as many others have said, I think it’s one of my favorites of yours! I’m actually planning on going to Paris a couple of months from now and will be spending 10 months there. I’m choosing to go there because, like you, I prefer cities, but I was a little worried by everything I’ve heard about Parisians being rude, etc. But what you’ve written here is so encouraging. It’s so neat to see how a small change in attitude can turn your whole experience around! Bravo. =D

    • http://www.fluentin3months.com/ Benny the Irish polyglot

      What I write is encouraging, but I still recommend you move to Toulouse instead of Paris if you can :-P If you don’t, have a good time anyway! It’s tough to apply the advice I give here, but I’m sure you can do it :)

  • http://stephenrice.eu Stephen Rice

    Yeah, it’s definitely I am right, you are closed minded.

  • http://www.budgettraveladventures.com/ Jeremy Branham

    Yes, I am closed minded.  The thing is, my opinions are based on logic and rational thinking from my perspective and it works for me.  I guess in the same way your experiences, logic, and rational way of thinking worked for you in France.

    For me, I learned a little about the culture in France when I was in Paris in 2005.  I actually spent Thanksgiving with an American couple living in Paris.  They told me the same things you did about the rights of workers, how it’s nearly impossible to fire someone there (it’s why the students were rioting back then – they couldn’t get a job because none ever opened up), and how the French are proud yet sometimes lonely.  It was an eye-opening look inside a culture I probably wouldn’t have experienced on my own.

    I think the lesson in this is to try and understand.  I am going to be passionate and opinionated but maybe I can learn to listen and understand first.  Until then, I’ll keep all my close-minded thoughts to myself.

  • Anonymous

    So, you got someone who was initially acting like an arsehole to you to do what you wanted by kissing his arse? Surely that makes him _more_ of an arsehole because he was lying and could’ve done what he’d (as a representative of the business) had previously claimed they could do? The contrast is someone who genuinely couldn’t help and had to put up with angry customers. The conclusion you draw from this is that because you were more skillful in getting what you want that makes you more open minded than before, but based on what you’ve written I can’t agree with that conclusion.

    Understanding that you have a perspective, that everyone has a perspective, and that this world is built on perspectives is a really useful thing but it doesn’t mean you should skew your own perspective from a negative one to a positive one just because you consider it to be “positive” or because it gives you relief/pleasure. Understanding that negative can be seen as positive from a different perspective is helpful, but it doesn’t stop something or someone being negative within a certain context.

    It got you your emails and it relieved some tension in your mind so in that way it was a good thing for you, but the premise is too weak for me. The overall desire to get along is good, but it would be easier without people acting like arseholes. I’ve been round the world and there are many different forms of consideration/manners/rudeness, but understanding them doesn’t magically make inconsiderate into considerate.

    It’s just my view and even though I don’t agree with you I still think it was worth you posting, and hope that my comments don’t seem too harsh. It’s difficult to say what you think in print and not sound harsh, so apologies if it does.

    • http://www.fluentin3months.com/ Benny Lewis

      To him, people coming into his work place being stern with him are the arseholes. You don’t seem to be able to see it from the other point of view, and this is essential for cultural understanding.

      • Anonymous

        So, because I disagree with you _I_ can’t see his point of view? Nice ad hominem there! :-D  I’ll let it slide though because I can see that you can’t see what I can see.;-)Tell me again how seeing his view negates what I wrote – you did read it, right?”Understanding that negative can be seen as positive from a different perspective is helpful, but it doesn’t stop something or someone being negative within a certain context.”I tell you what’s helpful for cultural understanding, *listening*.  For instance, how I noticed you didn’t mention being stern to him at first, that you asked for something and he lied to you immediately. What an arsehole you are! If only I’d seen it from his point of view!;-)  It just looks like kamma to me. Treat people like shit, you get a lot of people being shit back. You say you offer wifi but don’t, you get a lot of stern customers. You kiss an arsehole’s arse, they do you a favour.

        • http://www.fluentin3months.com/ Benny Lewis

          Your logic is so weak. I don’t need Latin terminology to point out “because I disagree with you _I_ can’t see his point of view?” as being faulty based on my brief reply. I’m not going to “let it slide” myself, but you do no better and continue to miss the point and indeed his point of view.
          You misunderstand everything here. I didn’t kiss anyone’s arse, I tried to relate to a human being rather than treat him as a clog in a machine. It’s very easy to sit in an armchair and think you understood everything that went on.

          The real world isn’t as simple as you are making it out to be.

          • Anonymous

            Your site is called fluent in 3 months, and you have a problem with someone using a latin loan word in English? Very strange attitude to have.

            Let’s get two things straight. I pointed out that I wasn’t there with my last reply (should I need to?) – while hinting that if you’d left things out that are pertinent then that was down to you (obviously).

            Secondly, I was also clear from the start that I understand his perspective. I just don’t agree with it. To understand someone’s perspective is not that same as agreeing with it. That’s the fundamental bit of logic you missed. 

            Now either he lied to you immediately when you’d just asked for wifi, or he didn’t and you were stern to him. In the first situation he’s being an arsehole. In the second you are. If there’s more information you need to pass on do it, but reading your responses it looks like it was you that was the arsehole.

      • Anonymous

        So, because I disagree with you _I_ can’t see his point of view? Nice ad hominem there! :-D  I’ll let it slide though because I can see that you can’t see what I can see.;-)Tell me again how seeing his view negates what I wrote – you did read it, right?”Understanding that negative can be seen as positive from a different perspective is helpful, but it doesn’t stop something or someone being negative within a certain context.”I tell you what’s helpful for cultural understanding, *listening*.  For instance, how I noticed you didn’t mention being stern to him at first, that you asked for something and he lied to you immediately. What an arsehole you are! If only I’d seen it from his point of view!;-)  It just looks like kamma to me. Treat people like shit, you get a lot of people being shit back. You say you offer wifi but don’t, you get a lot of stern customers. You kiss an arsehole’s arse, they do you a favour.

      • Anonymous

        So, because I disagree with you _I_ can’t see his point of view? Nice ad hominem there! :-D  I’ll let it slide though because I can see that you can’t see what I can see.;-)Tell me again how seeing his view negates what I wrote – you did read it, right?”Understanding that negative can be seen as positive from a different perspective is helpful, but it doesn’t stop something or someone being negative within a certain context.”I tell you what’s helpful for cultural understanding, *listening*.  For instance, how I noticed you didn’t mention being stern to him at first, that you asked for something and he lied to you immediately. What an arsehole you are! If only I’d seen it from his point of view!;-)  It just looks like kamma to me. Treat people like shit, you get a lot of people being shit back. You say you offer wifi but don’t, you get a lot of stern customers. You kiss an arsehole’s arse, they do you a favour.

      • Anonymous

        So, because I disagree with you _I_ can’t see his point of view? Nice ad hominem there! :-D  I’ll let it slide though because I can see that you can’t see what I can see.;-)Tell me again how seeing his view negates what I wrote – you did read it, right?”Understanding that negative can be seen as positive from a different perspective is helpful, but it doesn’t stop something or someone being negative within a certain context.”I tell you what’s helpful for cultural understanding, *listening*.  For instance, how I noticed you didn’t mention being stern to him at first, that you asked for something and he lied to you immediately. What an arsehole you are! If only I’d seen it from his point of view!;-)  It just looks like kamma to me. Treat people like shit, you get a lot of people being shit back. You say you offer wifi but don’t, you get a lot of stern customers. You kiss an arsehole’s arse, they do you a favour.

    • http://www.fluentin3months.com/ Benny Lewis

      To him, people coming into his work place being stern with him are the arseholes. You don’t seem to be able to see it from the other point of view, and this is essential for cultural understanding.

  • http://www.fluentin3months.com/ Benny Lewis

    I’m sure there is some historical or cultural reason, but I didn’t find people to be mean to me in Toulouse. Parisians just have an especially high opinion of their language, and anyone not producing it perfectly is “insulting” it.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_S6BY26FQMRNEIBGV7JDNWEURUM CassieB

    Thank you for writing this. I’ve been studying French for several years now and I’ve been nervous about the how the French people act and this honestly makes me feel much better. I try really hard to ignore stereotypes but the worries still lingered. I’m also studying Japanese and I’m deadly afraid of meeting them too! I know they’re very friendly yet I fear that the cultural difference is too great. 

    Thanks again. :)

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_TMZKZHGTNQZ4TA3UFSR27QHBPA am143

    Thank you for the blog! I read this with a lot of interest because I can really identify. I’m from Texas and I married a Canadian and have been living in Vancouver for over a year now. I have never lived anywhere but in the US and I always had the impression that Canada was just like us. Well, I was wrong. The last year has been an incredible learning experience. As you said, I expected everything to be the same. When things were different, I would get upset about it (It could be because I live in a part of Canada that is culturally very diverse). I would get angry when a store clerk didn’t provide me with enough attention, or someone refused to speak to me in English, etc. So I complained, and railed, and started to become bitter about a lot of things. But, my husband, who is not from North America, made it very clear to me that Americans are not the center of the world. I’ve come to realize that, and to embrace it. I am beginning to enjoy the differences but opening the mind is a process. :)

  • http://twitter.com/AaliyahSooNYy S.

    Maybe if people stopped looking at France and immediately thinking about Paris they would have explored other french cities such as Perpignan, Marseilles, Lyon or maybe even Strasbourg (my hometown :D ).  I promise once you travel around France you find some nice people and – if lucky- a nice weather. I’m 17 so I can’t really say that I’m an experimented traveler (I’ve been through Europe a bit and went as far as Morocco is) but I’d love to do what you do and I WILL do it. Lots of love and God bless ! ;)

  • http://www.fluentin3months.com/ Benny Lewis

    Sorry but it is NOT politeness when people grimace at you for speaking their language. Parisians are not polite in my book, but after working hard to change and adapt to them, they will be nicer.

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